Paralegal Rant

So I'm sitting in Civil Procedure today. And our Civil Procedure prof is the most confusing person ever. I thought I would love Civ Pro b/c I did a lot of it when I was at the firm. It's like the basics of litigation. It tells you how to litigate.

And then he says "The standard for personal jurisdiction is fairness. Not presence. But we find that fairness is presence."

What the FUCK???
Someone tell me how the fuck that works?

So at my firm, I was always the one who knew all the stories and what was going on. And now I share my secret.

How to Always Make Sure You Stay on Top of the Office Gossip Without Sleeping With Anyone.

( Two Ways... )

So last week, we get an email from The Partner saying "Let's all be professional and not send inappropriate emails using the work email and let's not read other people's emails when we shouldn't be. We should all be too busy to be dealing with this."

Everyone, and I mean everyone had no idea what inspired the email. I'm usually the person who knows everything (and that does NOT mean gossip queen because I don't repeat everything I hear. I just happen to hear a lot) so I had attorneys, secretaries, paralegals, receptionist, everyone asking me what was going on. I had no idea.

But I have just found out and I'm sharing it with you all. Feel honored.
( Has Crossed the Line )

Roses are red. Violets are blue.
Ducks waddle. And so do you.

Violets are blue. Roses are red.
Your clothes are lumpy. And so is your head.

Roses are red. Violets are blue.
If you are Nosy Biddy, I'm glad you have the flu.

Violets are blue, roses are red.
If you are Lazy Biddy, how did you ever wed?

So I was going to do an entry on the 40-year-old virgin or the story behind the Crown Royal bribe. Or tell you how to be the best informed person at your work without sleeping with anyone. Instead, I am sitting here royally pissed to fucking high hell and writing corny hate poetry to Nosy and Lazy Biddy.

The Partner travels a lot. Sometimes he is not in the office for days at a time and his mail piles up. Understandable.

Now what do you think is an acceptable list of duties of a legal secretary?
Scheduling appointments?
Mailing letters?
Transcriptions?
Filing a pleading with the court?
Oh, perhaps, opening your boss' mail when he hasn't been here for four days??

But apparently, that's too much too ask. And it's especially too much to ask when four different people tell you to do it four different times.

[Week 1]
Best Paralegal: Lazy Biddy, since The Partner has not been here for 3 days, do you think you can go through his mail?
Lazy Biddy: Sure. [Translation: I'm going to ignore your request until until Best Paralegal comes through and sorts through it.]
Lazy Biddy: [Two days later.] Oh, it's been done already. Imagine that. I'm such a good secretary.

[Week 2]
Atlparalegal: Lazy Biddy, we were looking for some documents and found it in the foot-tall stack of unopened mail for The Partner. You may want to go through that if he isn't here for a few days.
Lazy Biddy: Sure. [Translation: You're younger than me so I'm not going to listen to you.]

[Week 3]
Senior Associate: [In an email to all staff written for the benefit of Lazy Biddy] It is firm policy for secretaries to sort through their attorney's mail if the attorney hasn't been here for a few days.
Lazy Biddy: Sure. *Delete* [Translation: Since the email was to all the staff, and I'm above the staff, surely this email is not applicable to me.]

[Week 4]
Junior Associate: Lazy, can you please go through The Partner's mail when he isn't here? When his stack of mail is literally a foot tall, there might be something important in there. So could you go through and copy the important pleadings and distribute it to the appropriate associates?
Lazy Biddy: Oh. He has too much mail. I'm too busy for that. [Translation not needed. She literally said that.]

Too busy?? Too busy to do her fucking job??? My goodness gracious. Great hairy balls of fire.

[Week 5]
Best Paralegal: Lazy, you HAVE to go through The Partner's mail! We just missed a huge deadline because a pleading sat in The Partner's mailbox for two weeks! We got a very embarrassing, angry email in ALL CAPS from our client!
Lazy Biddy: Oh, I didn't know about the deadline.
Best Paralegal: But you knew about checking The Partner's mail! Senior Associate, Junior Associate, Atlparalegal, and I all asked you to do it!!!
Lazy Biddy: Oh, but The Partner never asked me to check his mail.

Yes, yes. She's ridiculous. But what royally hacked me off was this exchange that happened afterwards:

Nosy Biddy: They shouldn't be blaming you. You didn't know about the deadline.
Lazy Biddy: Yeah. Best Paralegal is just too bossy. [Translation: It doesn't matter that if I had done my job properly and all this could have been avoided. I need to find someone else to blame.]
Nosy Biddy: [The two proceed to gang up on Best Paralegal] Best, you are way too bossy. You should keep your big mouth shut and leave us alone to do our jobs. We're telling on you to the office manager.
Best Paralegal: But... but... [Translation: I'm so sweet that my feelings are hurt by what you [stupid bitches] say and I don't know what else to do. I was just trying to keep our client happy by making sure everyone did their job.]

No one talks bad about Best. How. fucking. dare. they. The partners worship her. The associates fall at her feet. She is the best, smartest, sweetest, most hard-working paralegal you will ever meet. Stupid, lazy, nosy biddies who don't do ANYTHING right are making Best Paralegal feel bad for just trying to do her job.

I used to run interference between Lazy Biddy and her attorneys. No longer. Last person to cross me like this got fired, couldn't find another job anywhere, failed at her own business, got fat, and never got laid again. (Well, I probably didn't have a hand in the not-getting-laid part. But I like to think I have that super power.  It's how I plan on ruling the world.)

In honor of my LSAT, I bring you a logical reasoning problem.

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are true. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely deliberate.

We have an attorney in this office that is smart. Socially awkward at times, but very smart. Brings in a lot of money, hard-working, etc. etc. This attorney used to abuse the staff, but he has gotten better about it. (I swear, Friday afternoon 4:45, he will bring you a 2000 pages of documents he wants copied. Twice. And there are staples every 5 pages. And of course he wants both the original and copied sets stapled like the originals were. Bloody hell.)

He has also never been to trial (as far as anyone can remember anyway). Probably because the jury wouldn't like him. We aren't really sure. Personally, I think the real reason is because he never managed to move up from the research-only rung of the attorney ladder. (Fyi, that's the lowest rung.) But he was very lucky and inherited a case right before it was set to go to trial this past month. The trial took place in Hickville, GA--far, far from Atlanta and our firm. Of course he drove everyone crazy as he was preparing for trial, but that's excusable. Some people don't work well under pressure. (Not all of us can be Jack Bauer. There has to be some J.J. Abrams out there that just make piles of shit and expect other people to clean it up. Grrr.)

So morning of the second day at trial, he spills coffee on his suit. Which of the following is a logical conclusion that can follow the situation above?
(A) He sends it out for dry cleaning at his hotel that has a 24/7 cleaning service.
(B) He buys another suit.
(C) He just wears the same suit he did the day before.
(D) He asks his wife to FedEx him another suit.
(E) He calls Shiny Paralegal and says "I spilled coffee on my suit. I need you to drive 217 miles and bring me another suit. Tonight."

Correct answer would be (E).

No one in the office understood why (E) would be the correct answer so we put our heads together. The only explanation we could come up with is as follows:

Reason (A) is too easy and too fucking logical.
Reason (B) would be a strain on his six figure salary. God forbid.
Reason (C) - He only brought one suit to Hickville, GA to cover him for a week-long trial.
Reason (D) - his wife is a dominatrix and he is not allowed to ask her for anything as he will be punished once he gets home.

Therefore, the only logical answer is (E). We are still waiting to hear back from Shiny who has promised to verify our analysis of the situation.

Needless to say, Shiny Paralegal was the one to go into rage this time. I offered to share my bottle of Crown Royal that I received as a bribe (another story for another time) and calmed Shiny down. See? Alcohol cures all. At least in the legal industry.

Women are always comparing themselves to one another while pretending not to. Who is prettier? Who has the smaller ass? Who has the cutest shoes? In the professional world it becomes a subtle art form with a certain finesse. You know those catty girls in high school? They don't grow up. They just spend years sharpening their claws and practicing their underhanded insults.

Illustration 1.

So we have a little group of underlings here at work that are planning on going to law school, myself included. Everyone took their LSATs last summer/fall and I'm the only one taking it this Saturday. *Gag*Stress*Choke*

So my life has become nothing more than working, studying, and thus, ass-expanding. I'm not fat so I figure, if I don't work out for a month or two, no one will notice. Why bother, you know? Until yesterday. Sweet File Clerk and I went down the the convenience store in our building to get some dessert after lunch.

Size 7 Atlparalegal: Hi! Welcome back from your vacation. How was it?
Perfect Size 2 Store lady: It was wonderful. I think you get prettier every time I see you!
Size 7 Atlparalegal: [Eyes ice cream freezer] Thanks. But I doubt it. I think I'm getting fatter every time you see me.
Perfect Size 2 Store lady: [Glances at the ice cream freezer and then gives pointed look to Atlparalegal] Yes, well I always though the chubby girls were the prettiest.
Sweet File Clerk: Thank you! Have a nice day! [Drags Size 7 Atlparalegal out of the store as her Wolverine claws have come out and she has started frothing at the mouth.]

Illustration 2.

Atlparalegal: I'm so stressed out because of the LSATs.
Denial Biddy: Oh, you'll do fine.
Atlparalegal: I hope so. I feel like I should just go home and study. Work seems so insignificant right now.
Denial Biddy: Well. You should feel that way. This test determines the rest of your life.
Atlparalegal: I never thought of it that way. The rest of my life. The rest of my life. The... rest... of... my... life...? [Sways and falls to the ground due to cardiac arrest]

Edit: This entry was posted by S. F. Clerk at the request of Atlparalegal who has been put on strict bed rest until her LSAT. Her doctors advise not saying the words "LSAT," "Law School," "U.S. News Rankings," "LSAC," "fat," and "fucking, manipulative, catty bitches" around her.  It is difficult to retract Wolverine claws and her insurance does not cover rage.

Don't get me wrong. I love secretaries. (We have affectionately termed them "The Biddies.") They are sweet and make my life a whole lot easier. Unless they have simpering, conniving, ever-expanding lazy asses.

To set the stage, anyone in the legal industry will admit, there is a hierarchy. There just has to be. Those who bill v. those who don't. Those who are license to practice law v. those who can't. It's not that some people are better than others. Everyone has their own job description they were hired to do so that we all could run a business, make money, eat, live, and be merry.

Enter The Partner. The one with the name in the firm. The one that signs your paychecks. The Ivy League genius with a photographic memory. The one that says, "Jump," and you don't even ask "How high?"; you just start jumping up, down, turning around, and out the window and he chooses the way he likes best. That's just how it is.

Now, meet his secretary, Lazy Biddy. She is pleasant enough when you don't have to work with her. And she actually may have half a brain. But what makes the rest of the firm grind our teeth at night is her damn laziness. She just may be the laziest person in the legal industry. Even the associates under her cannot trust her to do more than a simple letter or schedule flight. Actually. Correction. I have actually had to make travel arrangements because Ms. Biddy could not handle calling a travel agent.

Lastly, I am blessed enough to have a file clerk. A smart one that even knows how to do billable work when we're shorthanded. God bless her. I had to fight long and hard for her. Had to go all the way up to The Partner.

The Partner: Ms. Biddy, here is a simple task I need done by the end of the day. Can you handle it?
Ms. Biddy: [accepts stack of documents] Of course, sir. [Exit The Partner]
Ms. Biddy: Oh wow. There are about 1000 sheets of paper here. So heavy. That's like two whole reams of paper. I'm going to put this on a rolling cart.
Ms. Biddy: [to herself] I don't feel like doing this. I think I'm going to disregard the fact that The Partner asked me to do this. Even though all my predecessors did this exact task.

Sweet file clerk: Oh. I'm frantically trying to do this billable task that the senior associate gave me by the end of the day.
Ms. Biddy: Oh but this is from The Partner. Even though it's non-billable and he asked me to do it, I think you should.
Sweet file clerk: Oh... okay...
Ms. Biddy: [waddles away]

Sweet file clerk: [starts running around like a headless chicken]
Atlparalegal: What's going on?
Sweet file clerk: [explains]
Atlparalegal: [Rage ensues. Sends Sweet File Clerk to stick up for herself and tell Ms. Biddy to do it.]

Sweet file clerk: This is a bit much. I don't know if I can finish all my priority projects by the end of the day.
Ms. Biddy: Oh, but I'm so busy.
Sweet file clerk: You are busy? On a Friday afternoon? When all your associates are gone for the weekend? [Crickets chirp]
Ms. Biddy: Oh yes. See? I'm typing. [Checks personal email.]

Atlparalegal: [Has a coronary and is sequestered in office so she doesn't commit murder.]

Next scene. Because we are a defense firm, clients get bills. That is how we make money. We are providing a service.  They are the customer. And because law firms are a dime a dozen, if you have a big client, you wax their mother's hairy toes if you have to. You certainly do not send out a bill with a mistake. Not just a typo in the cover letter (which is bad enough as it is), but an actual mistake in the asking for money part.

Atlparalegal: I know you just sealed the envelope, but I just found this correction that needs to be made.
Ms. Biddy: Oh, I can't be bothered. I would have to reopen the envelope, take out the bills, make new copies, and put it in another envelope. You can do it if you want.
Atlparalegal: !@#$%^&#!!!!!

But whatever. Everyone has their faults. Perhaps, lazy is her fault. I can work with that if she can eventually get her work done. I am happy with that. Her associates could live with that. But bloody hell. Where does she get the fucking audacity to pawn off her (non-billable) work onto all the paralegals in the office? Especially when it's something that the freaking PARTNER asked her to do?

UPDATE: Nosy Biddy just called Lazy Biddy a "whiny little invalid" to her FACE. You know it's bad when a fellow biddy turns on you. And that's a direct quote. Witnesses available upon request.

Attention, attorneys. Just because you went to law school does not mean you are the shit. Just because you spent $100,000 to party for another three years does not make you smart. Especially since the only reason you went anyway is because you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life anyway. Poor baby.

For instance.
We live in the information age where technology runs rampant. Imagine that. If the backwards Georgia court systems can figure out how to e-file documents, don't you think it's about time you learn how to scan a document? Calling me from the other side of the office when I'm already running around (trying to serve 15 subpoenas before the close of business because "it's an emergency") just to scan a document is not cool. You see that big machine? That says "Canon Scanner"? You know what? Yup. That's a scanner. Let me break it down for you.

1. Stand up and walk to the machine. (Yes, walking is good for you. It might even help with that tummy you have going there. Don't you miss seeing your toes?)

2. Check for staples. (Common sense. If the automatic feeder is going automatically scan documents page-by-page, how the fuck is it supposed to do it when everything is bound?)

2. Insert the paper into the feeder. (This may be the most challenging step, but never fear. Canon foresaw your this and providing instructions right on the scanner. They were even nice enough to provide picture diagrams. Printed side up. NO STAPLES. See? Idiot-proof.)

3. Hit the green button. (Kind of like a traffic light. Green means go.)

4. When the scanner jams because you didn't take out the staples, do not hit the machine. Would you like it if someone hit you? (Actually. Don't tell me. There are some things I would rather not know.)

5. After you call me frantically because the scanner "doesn't work for some reason," and I fix it in a matter of seconds, do not say "Oh I don't know. They never taught me how to do that in law school." Because while I smile and fake laugh at your bad joke, I am secretly thinking," Wow. I went to elementary school and they taught me how to read. Arrogant bitch."

Thank goodness for happy hour. One more hour and my fellow paralegals and I will be normal people for a while. Although the forty year old virgin is supposed to come today. (Yes, we have a real live forty year old virgin in this office.) But that is a story for next time. I have to go bill now.

(Disclaimer: I actually do like my job and am good at it. It's just some people...)